Deserve by Anna Kvasnik

I stood there, turning a slow circle and looking at my surroundings––at the desolation around me. Smoke rose to the sky in plumes and the bright blue sky from earlier was smudged with haze; the buildings around me had been either leveled or left unlivable. Nothing was untouched and the desolation stretched as far as I could see.

There’s no turning back.

I looked down at the soot and dirt that caked my hands, then pressed my eyes closed, a single tear slipping free and slowly tracing its way down my cheek. 

“I’m sorry I had to go this far,” I whispered, opening my eyes and looking back. Nobody was left to talk to. 

The smoke that had finally begun to fade, to die, was the only company I had left. 

Perhaps it’s better off that way.

I turned away, dragging my feet through rubble. Time and time again, I stumbled, nearly falling flat on my face. Every time, at the last moment, I caught myself, pressing on as if I had something left to fight for.

Finally, I collapsed, my head bowing and meeting the hard ground. “I’m so sorry.” Quiet sobs shook my body. “I just wanted to survive. I didn’t mean to cause—” 

My throat closed and I tucked my head closer to the rest of my body, tears rolling down my face in streams. 

Faces flashed to mind, of Father, of Mother. Of little Sydney, smiling at me. It was like I could hear her voice. 

“You’re going to be a hero, Sams,” I choked out, matching my little sister’s words as I heard her little bell-like voice say them in my head. “You’re going to be the light that everyone needs to see.”

I pushed myself up a bit, rubbing my arm across my face as I shoved upwards. “I wasn’t, Syd. I wasn’t. I destroyed them.” My voice shook, barely scraping its way out of my throat. “Do you hear me?” I whirled, stumbling on the rough ground again. “I did it!” I yelled. The words echoed in the cavernous divot that stretched between where houses once were. “I ruined what you wanted me to save!” 

The flames still burned, their smoke rising in the distance. They were alive in ways that I wasn’t sure that I was. Where they were thriving, hungrily devouring the food they’d been provided, I felt hollow.

“I said I wasn’t going to stop until we were all safe.” My voice was as soft as a whisper.. “Now who’s the safe one?”

Beneath me, my legs wobbled, threatening to deposit me on the ground, but I straightened, attempting to draw strength that I no longer had. 

“I failed you, Syd.” 

Her voice rose in my mind, and she giggled. “You’ll always be my hero.” 

“No, I won’t!” My voice rose, loud as it could go, then cracked. “Syd, I let you down.” I took a few steps, clutching to the crumbled remains of a house as I slumped. “Syd, I was the one who let you all stay there. I did what they told me to do. And I lost you all.”

Syd was still laughing. “I told you so.” A memory flashed before my eyes, of her running across the living room, her bare feet padding across the cream carpet. “I told you!”

A lump rose in my throat. “I never listened to you, Syd. You should’ve been the one who survived. You should’ve made it this far; you should’ve been the one standing here, not me. You’d know what to do.” 

My memories melted away, replaced with new ones,  dimmer ones. Syd’s arms wrapped around me, the pressure there but not. Her laughter was gone, replaced with sniffles. “You be the strong one, Sams. I can’t be strong. I just cry and I cry and I cry.”

I leaned my head against the rock, the memory of my own voice grating at my ears as I lay there, still, listening to myself.

“I’ll be the strong one, Syd, and you can be the bright little shining star that helps me light up the world.” 

Syd sniffled and snuggled closer to me. “You can do it. I believe in you.” Her voice rasped, tired and sad. 

My fist hit the rock of the building. 

“Go away!” 

My hoarse scream didn’t seem to make any difference after leaving my mouth. I don’t know what I expected, but I tried to glare at the smoke clouds in the sky through the glaze of tears in my eyes. I stared so hard, as if they could undo themselves, restore the town to what it had been before. The hustle and bustle of the place.

“Come with me, Sams.” Syd reached out for my hand, her shoulders pulled back and her head held high. Just one strand of hair fell across her face, defying all attempts Syd made to blow it out of her face. “Come with me, and we’ll defeat the darkness.” Her face was serious, but when I looked closely enough, I could see her lips tremble. I could see how much older she’d gotten, the seriousness in her eyes that stood next to her ferocious attempt at retaining childish innocence. “I don’t want to know,” she always said. But we had to tell her anyway.

My tears slipped free, spilling down my cheeks and mingling with the previous waves that had long since turned sticky. “I can’t, Syd. I can’t. It wasn’t right.” My hands fisted and I rested my head on them. “You changed.” 

The voices in my head stopped, nothing left but ashes and rubble, smoke and tears. 

I slid off the rock, crumpling to the ground. Silently, my body began to shake, tears streaming down my cheeks in rivulets. “I just wanted to live. Why did you have to make it so hard?”

In the distance, I heard the sounds of the living. Voices. A search party. 

“Do you see anything moving?” I heard the call, a male voice rising above the deafening silence of destruction.

Any response was lost, like the ashes that kept drifting away in the wind. 

I lifted my head only enough to look for them, still laying there and crying. I don’t want to be seen. I studied the horses, the figures on their backs and the bags that hung from the saddles. Not after what I’ve done. 

The voices continued talking, their figures diminishing, and the sound of hooves soon dissipating.

“I deserve this,” I whispered, trying to remind myself of my place as fear flooded me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me alone. “I deserve every bit of this.” 

“Where are you going?” I heard the distant shout, the voice quiet enough that it could’ve been just another voice in my head. Then I heard the footsteps. 

A whine escaped my mouth and I curled in on myself more, a new wave of tears streaming down my cheeks. Don’t get your hopes up. You’re supposed to be alone.

“Miss?” The voice was quiet, gentle. Close. “Are you okay?”

A small cry escaped me, but no words accompanied. 

I heard rustling. “Miss, we have to get you out of here.”

“No, you don’t.” My voice was low, raspy, and broken. I opened my eyes and turned, looking right into the gaze of a man about my age. His eyes held life while I was sure mine held close to none. “Leave me here.”

“Why do you think you need to stay here?” he asked, his voice still soft. His eyes searched my face for an answer. 

“It’s my fault.” I trembled as I said it. “They weren’t all supposed to die, but they did. And I have to pay for it.” 

His face grew sad, knowing in a way that I could not begin to understand. “This was bound to happen. It’s not your fault.” 

“Yes, it is.” 

In my head, I saw Syd dancing around in my head, laughing. “I was the nice one, Sams. You got the evil person this time. I was good, you were evil!”  

My throat ached as I swallowed, as if that would suppress the memory. “Leave me be. Let me die in peace.” 

Conflict raged across his face, then his jaw tightened. “Forgive me, but no.” He slid his arm under me, pulling me upright. 

I let out a pitiful cry of protest and struggled against his firm hold. “Let me go! I deserve this! I do, I do, I do!”

“You don’t,” he whispered, then lifted me up, my entire body leaving the ground. He slung me over one shoulder like a sack of potatoes and I slumped against his back, too tired to struggle. “Nobody deserves to die like this.”

My eyes drifted shut and my body went slack, jostled as he walked along. I just wanted to fix this. I just needed to fix one thing that I did wrong.

“What did you find?” I heard the distant call. 

“It’s a who!” he replied. I could feel his body vibrate as he spoke. “She’s alive!”

More tears leaked out of my eyes, these ones streaking up, making their way to my forehead. I didn’t bother trying to wipe them away. “Why can’t you just let me go?” I choked out quietly. “Why did you have to help?” 

“Because nobody deserves to die alone, no matter what they’ve done.” His reply was quiet. “And someday, you’ll come to realize that no matter what you did, you’ve been forgiven. You don’t deserve death anymore.” 

I hung there limply, too tired to protest. I can only hope that you’re correct. I have no other reason to hang on.

“Good job!” I heard the approval, the likes of which I found myself wishing I deserved. 

I felt myself sliding and stiffening, only to realize that the man was lowering me to the ground. He set me down gently, carefully, making sure I didn’t fall. My legs trembled, but I stood, my shoulders curved in and my head bowed low. 

“Miss,” the new voice prompted quietly, just as gentle as the first man’s. “Could you look up at me?” 

I blinked slowly, then slowly lifted my head up. I had no doubt that my face was covered in soot and dirt, crossed with tracks of tears. My eyes were almost certainly bright red, undeniably full of tears. 

“Beautiful.” He smiled down at me. “You are beautiful.”

More tears filled my eyes and I clasped my hands together, trying to control their shaking. “I’m not. Do not save me. I do not deserve it.” 

His smile turned sympathetic. “My dear, we do not always deserve saving. That does not affect whether we do or not receive it.” 

A lump rose in my throat and he turned away, rummaging through the pack on his horse, only to turn right back around and hold out a canteen of water. 

As I imagined taking it, I came to the realization that I was thirsty, so thirsty, but I didn’t reach for it. 

“I do not deserve—”

“Even if you deserve nothing, I will give you something. That is simply my way.” 

I kept studying the canteen, where it was held, then tentatively reached out, my hand shaking. My first hand was trembling too much to grip it, forcing me to hold both hands out. As he let go, though, as the weight of it landed in my hands, and as I drew it closer and carefully screwed off the top, thoughts echoed in my head, waging a war. I took a long drink, and as the cold, refreshing water filled my mouth and slid down my throat, it was as if my strength returned. 

But the voices in my head only seemed to grow louder.

I screwed the top back on, shoving it back a bit too forcefully. My breath came in slow gasps and I stared at the ground, then whispered, “I deserve it.” The images of the smoke, of the soot, flashed before my eyes. I deserve it.

The first man spoke. “Ma’am, if you’ve survived this far, I’d say there’s a lot of good you deserve, and the bad you’ve already received tenfold.” 

I raised my hand, meeting his clear eyes with my own. His image was distorted by tears, but I still managed a wobbly smile. 

“Thank you.” I closed my eyes. “I think I’d like to be saved, if you don’t mind.” 

“You are loved, Miss. And since you have asked, you will not be turned away.”