"i love you," by Lucy Caltrider
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you?
“15 reasons to tell your child ‘I love You’
1. It gives them someone to trust.
2. It tells them they are valuable.
3. It gives them a fan in the seats.
4. It gives them courage.
5. It gives them time to grow.
6. It will always remain.”
Parents rack their brains on how to raise their children right. Above all, every child and every person longs to feel love. Parents go through self-help books, practice affirmations, and try constantly to remind their child how loved they are. They sit through ballet rehearsals, little tikes soccer games, and constant tantrums. All so the child feels constantly loved. Psychologically, when a child hears “I love you” their brain encodes the words as “I am valued. I matter.” These affectionate three words trigger a chemical release in the brain. It releases chemicals like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals affect mood, and literally help the child feel good.
“I love you”
I don’t remember the first time my mom told me she loved me, but I do remember falling asleep in her bed every night. I don’t remember how often my mom told me she loved me, but I do remember her smile as she handed me my lunch for school, always with a sweet treat inside. I don’t remember my mom reminding me how loved I was, but I do remember spending every minute with her. Her love wasn’t always spoken, but it was always there.
Every night, I would lay in bed with my mom. My dad would stay up late watching TV, and I never wanted my dad to wake me up to move me. I would lay next to her, matching her breath with mine, becoming smaller than I was so my dad wouldn’t make me move, longing to stay with her.
“I am so proud of you,” I hear my mom say for the thousandth time today. I am in 2nd grade and have just finished my first ever volleyball game. Finally, I got to be like my older sisters and play volleyball. I was finally a part of something and got to be treated older than just my little self.
“That was fun,” I say loudly with a smile on my face, “I loved it, Mom.” I know I want to do this again.
The best part was how happy my mom was when my very first serve trickled over the net. I had never seen her smile so big. “Can you believe I got my serve over?”
I didn’t remember the words, but I knew I was loved.
Why is high school so hard for students? Why do they feel disconnected and isolated in the world? Why is it that insecurities are so present? It’s because high school students long to belong. They cling to friendships and relationships that might even be toxic for them because of the sense of belonging. But there’s a certain love amongst friends, and when it’s found, teens will do anything to keep it. They will go to any length to stay friends with those people, prioritizing seeing them, texting them, updating them on every little detail.
In adolescence, the social brain is highly sensitive. A researcher, Sarah J. Blakemore, makes the claim that a teen brain is specifically highly sensitive to belonging and social evaluation. They want to be accepted. The teen is forming an identity, and that identity can be rooted in lies or truth. In high school, they often have friends who they are with so often they begin to feel like family. Saying “I love you” to each other when they leave, or remembering things about them. These little things help form the identity. They reinforce ideas learned in childhood like, “I am valued. I am wanted. I matter.” It reinforces that they are socially supported and have a place.
“I love you, drive safe” I say to my friend, and I gun it. My car accelerates forward, and I laugh to myself, so happy to beat her to the exit of our high school parking lot.
Later I get a text from her, “Friends who say I love you >>” I stare at the message. I smile and think about how such a little phrase can impact someone so greatly. I have always said I love you to a lot of people, knowing it could bring joy, but here I was receiving a message about the gratitude someone can have after hearing I love you. She was one of my best friends, so it was never a question of whether or not we had a friendship of love.
“I love you guys.” These words rang through the car, each of us realizing this was our last time hanging out before we left for school. The windows were down, a cool summer breeze moved through the car.
“Girl, PLEASE don’t cry; I cannot take anymore emotion today.”
“But how will we go on,” I whisper. My voice cracks, I swallow down my own cry. I look over at my friend, mascara running down her face, and I grin, thankful for a love so deep.
“These are friendships that last.” My other friend says, then turns on our favorite worship song.
We scream, singing our hearts out, knowing that what brings us together as friends is what will keep our relationships going. I needed to hear those words, I needed to belong.
Eventually, when one matures, love becomes sacrificial. It becomes more than a feeling, but something that is chosen, the willingness to do anything for someone. It isn’t just something that makes one feel good, but instead something they choose. Humans have a fundamental need to be known, understood and validated. They long for intimacy, to allow someone in, to see who they really are. Intimacy allows one to handle stress or whatever is thrown at them. Humans are made for connection with another person.
When an adult falls in love, the same dopamine reward system that is often found in habits, makes a connection, leading to a euphoric state. The adult might seem more confident, more energetic, and have an intense happiness. The walls come down, literally speaking. The change in hormones for both men and women soften them, which can lead to more vulnerability. Humans desire love, and the connection and intimacy that comes with it.
“I love you,” he whispers in my ear as we hold our last hug for the next month. Disbelief rings through my mind, my chest tightens, the world stops. This boy who has become my best friend, who I never thought I would fall in love with.
Realizing I’ve been in my thoughts for too long, I gently pull away, and whisper, “I love you so much.”
He looks at me again, “What did you say?” he says with a smile on his face. Neither of us wanting this moment to end.
“I love you,” I repeat again, “and I have for a very long time.” I look at him with tears in my eyes, knowing this love will only grow. When others have said it to me, it felt warm, a good feeling. But when he said it to me, it felt like something taking root, I felt the weight of the words for the first time.
We stand there, doing everything to keep this moment from ending. My heart longed for him, for this connection. I chose to say those words.
I’ve learned love isn’t something you feel, but it’s something worth staying for.
Like a river flows
Surely to the sea
Darling, so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand
Take my whole life, too
For I can't help falling in love with you
Presley, Elvis. "I can't help falling in love with you."
Becker, Joshua. "15 Reasons to Tell Your Child 'I Love You'."
Bales, Diane W. "Nurturing Positive Relationships."
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