"Irreplaceable," by Kaitlyn McNamee

the rain reminds me of you in the worst way. i so desperately want to subside to its embrace and  bask in its glory, but the sound and feeling no longer comfort me. instead, it provides warmth for  just a second before turning into cold, hard dread.  

the rain sounded lovely that day. i didn’t mind driving in it, i never have. why is it that i can only  so vividly remember the rain? usually, i don’t note the weather, let alone care to remember it. 

i wish i remembered more. i wish we did more together. i wish i wasn’t growing older than you  with every passing day. it scares me that i’ll pass you in age soon, it doesn’t feel right. you were  supposed to be my older sister. i always loved it when you told me you cared for me like a little  sister. i haven’t felt that again.  

i wish i cried more that day, screamed maybe, anything but sit there shocked as i did. i wish i wasn’t so fucking stupid.  

i wish i called you the day before instead of just texting, i wish i knew how much you were struggling. the devil couldn’t reach me, so he killed you. 

did you think of me at all before you did it? perhaps that is far too selfish to ask. did you see my  text that morning? i’m sorry i didn’t do more. 

i don’t know why the rain brings you to mind, you are so unlike it. i remember you as warm and  yellow. you were so much more like the sun. i miss listening to the rain with you. 

when the rain is at its fullest, can you still hear it? does the sound permeate through the ground  and into your casket? 

sometimes, i wonder how much is left of you. how long does it take for a body to decay? is there  more of you left in my mind than beneath the earth?  

i’m worried that one day the memories will fade for good. i can’t remember it all like i used to,  no matter how hard i try. 

there are no replacements. who else will look at me so kindly, so genuinely? who else will know  me so dearly and listen to me with such intent? who could? 

please callie, come back. i need you. 

who else will listen to the rain with me?